Alone - Lonely - Sad
Over the past few weeks the stark reality of the fact that my impending divorce is approaching, and the consequences of that reality are overwhelmingly huge.
This weekend was my weekend with the children again. We did nothing special... jut family stuff: playing outside; walking round the local lake to see the baby swans and Canada Geese - Oh and the "Dragon" fountain!!!; eating; sleeping...
You know.. just normal stuff
And today I took them back to their Mum's - tired but happy it would seem. So a good job done then..
So why did I feel like the world was ending as I stayed there to have some tea with them and make sure they were settled and comfortable before I left...???
The harsh reality goes something like this..
My children are central to my life..
I would die for them if it was required of me..
I had taken as an absolute certainty that I would always be there - in mind AND in body - to help them to develop into the best possible people they could be; to share in their successes however small or large; to hold them when they were hurt; to be an integral part of ensuring that they were surrounded with love and kept safe as far as was humanly possible.
As I drove away this evening, my heart broke into a million pieces and I felt like the life was being drained out of my soul.. I have not cried as much in the rest of my life as I have over the past few weeks...
And it gets worse by the day
Because I will see them every other weekend and for about half of the various school holidays..
I cannot stand this loneliness - and this pain
Someone please tell me that there is a way through this - because I can't see it - and I can hardly function
This weekend was my weekend with the children again. We did nothing special... jut family stuff: playing outside; walking round the local lake to see the baby swans and Canada Geese - Oh and the "Dragon" fountain!!!; eating; sleeping...
You know.. just normal stuff
And today I took them back to their Mum's - tired but happy it would seem. So a good job done then..
So why did I feel like the world was ending as I stayed there to have some tea with them and make sure they were settled and comfortable before I left...???
The harsh reality goes something like this..
My children are central to my life..
I would die for them if it was required of me..
I had taken as an absolute certainty that I would always be there - in mind AND in body - to help them to develop into the best possible people they could be; to share in their successes however small or large; to hold them when they were hurt; to be an integral part of ensuring that they were surrounded with love and kept safe as far as was humanly possible.
As I drove away this evening, my heart broke into a million pieces and I felt like the life was being drained out of my soul.. I have not cried as much in the rest of my life as I have over the past few weeks...
And it gets worse by the day
Because I will see them every other weekend and for about half of the various school holidays..
I cannot stand this loneliness - and this pain
Someone please tell me that there is a way through this - because I can't see it - and I can hardly function
posted by Leon on
Sunday, June 12, 2005
8 Comments:
Leon, there has to be a way through because you will continue to be there for the children.
And don't forget that you are still there in their minds when you are not with them.
I know when they are young being there for cuddles etc is very important - and even teenbeanzes need cuddles (well mine do anyway). As they get older much that they need is talking and the knowldge that you will support them no matter what.
{{{ we are here for you}}}
By
beanz, on 12 June, 2005 21:09
Leon - There is always a way through.
You love your children, you know that and they know that. Phone them, E-mail them, Get a webcam and have webcam conversations with them. Although you can't be by their side you can be very much a part of their lifes.
I know you have the strength.
By
RobW, on 12 June, 2005 21:52
Dear blog friend,
Let me throw in some experience, it may help you.
I divorced the father of my twins when they were 1 year old. My ex was as gutted as you are, compounded by the fact that we lived (and still live) in two different countries.
Initially he saw them every other week. He, and later his new partner, would come over, stay in my house and I would go somewhere else. In the meantime they've had a child so this arrangement didn't last.
He now sees them in the holidays only. Of course he misses them but he is now happy in the knowledge that the children love him as much as an 'at home father'. The children are now 6 and well adjusted, love their father, his wife and little sister and love me and my husband.
He may not be there in body but he is there in spirit and in mind. They can talk about him with me and his picture is in the house (in their bedrooms, not in mine).
His number is on speed dial position number 1 and we use the webcam. I mail him often with updates (daughter lost a tooth today, son has reached a new level in reading, that type of info) and he calls them to speak about it.
The children know he is there for them, he is an integral part of their being. He is their father.
You will have a rough time ahead but there is nothing wrong with that. That happens if you care and love. That happens if you are alive. But you will come out of it like millions have done before you.
You divorce their mother, you don't divorce your children.
All the best
By
Anonymous, on 13 June, 2005 13:16
How lucky those children of yours are, Leon, to have TWO parents who love them and want them. The children will come to appreciate that too, and understand why you had to move away.
Your own pain and loneliness will diminish with time. You have the internal resources to survive this difficult time and come through having learned a lot about yourself.
(((((Big hugs)))))
By
Anonymous, on 13 June, 2005 14:00
Leon,let me speak from the other side of the coin.
My mother walked out on the family when I was 3. It was 1976 and in those days dads didn't get the kids. For 3yrs dad fought and got custody of my sister and I.
I can't recall much of those days and it is only recently that I have had problems with my mother and come to dislike her as my dad left the personal side out of it, and we knew that we were still loved and that it was mum and dad that split not that mum was leaving us.
If your kids know this then you will get through this.
My mother was a slapper and a bitch it seems and although I can remember bad times (like her not allowing me to go and get my teddy from the house when we were in the driveway) we never saw it as being our fault that things went wrong etc.
it sounds like your kids have an amazing dad and know the love and can feel the love you have for them.
Whatever happens you will always be their dad and they know that. You will always be there and they know that. You will always love them and that love will not deminish.
nothing and no-one can break that bond between a child and a parent - if you want to talk mail me (mail now working!)
huge hugs
Pix
By
Evil Pixie, on 13 June, 2005 14:15
you know what
Im not surprised you feel like this
Now that the upheaval and job stuff is sorted
you need time to grieve to rant and rave
But----your kids will know that you are always there
you are when it matters and you always will be
just take one day at a time
This has got to seem huge now-cos it hads just hityou all at once and you probably havent fully allowed yourself to react until now
we are here
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
By
b-z, on 13 June, 2005 18:44
To say 'Thank You' seems so inadequate..
But from the bottom of my heart..
Thank You
Today I didn't feel dead - and you guys are all responsible for that..
and I should get to bed very soon, because everything feels so much bleaker when I'm tired..
and I have another long day at work to survive tomorrow!!!
Night everyone
By
Leon, on 13 June, 2005 22:16
Leon
In my first blog I told of how my daughter started me running by suggesting we run the Great North Run together. What I did not say was that she was my daughter from my first marriage and that for almost all of her life I have been a distant dad to her and her brother.
Somehow we have always kept a relationship together. Inspite of some resentment on one side and a lot of guilt on the other.
I am not going to try to tell you that things will ever be fully right. There will always be a sense of emptiness. But things do get better and can even turn out good.
Now is the worst time - a time you must endure with a sort of numbness of the soul. You must stay there and take all the difficulties on your shoulders. It is the price you must pay but pay it you must. All you can do is stay there - it is the first and only rule. Be there regularly, when expected, without fail, always.
Things then fall into place a pattern is established and trust can grow again.It will happen. You will not stop loving your children nor they loving you.
Believe that is true and stay strong
By
Highway Kind, on 13 June, 2005 22:19
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